Jerry Seinfeld once said that you know you have a girlfriend when the question asked on the phone stops being "So, do you want to see a movie tonight?" and starts being "So, what movie are we watching tonight?"

That's not true, and that's not true. It's not true that Jerry Seinfeld had said it; he said something similar, but the phrasing is mine. And the line itself is not true, as me and May easily demonstrate. Now inventing nice-sounding lines that aren't even true isn't much of a profitable time-spending, is it?



Shut up, Red, you're blabbering.

Give me a break, May, I was just trying to make an introduction!

I think your readers are smart enough to understand already that this page is about movies.

I don't know. Some of them are not too bright.

We've just lost 30 readers.

Well if you're so smart, go and write the introduction yourself.

Okay!

Well?

I'm thinking!

Okay, I got it.


"the big picture is staring at me" - Tori Amos. who need to say more.

Is that all? I think my introduction was better.

Let me see. Tori Amos - Jerry Seinfeld. One line - a whole paragraph. Yes, you are right, yours was better....

Do I detect signs of sarcasm here?

Let me see.... yes!

Okay. Truce. Introductions aside. Dear readers, it's oscar-time, or at least was when we started writing it, and to celebrate the occasion, The Red Fish Page this time is about movies. You can go on reading our stupid philosophies about movies, or you can skip that and go straight to our 11 Best and Worst Movies of the year list. All clear now? Thank you very much and let's get on with it.

      Oscar the Grouch



So, you've seen the oscars?

a fan like me, of course. but only what they showed on TV. but some magazine gave Gina Gershon the oscar for best bitch of the year! my kind of girl!

Yeah, well, as the traditional Oscars go, we didn't have a chance to see most of the candidates. And they were all so boring! What about the exciting things that happened this year? Strippers? Aliens? And how come Emily Watson didn't win?! And why Alicia Silverstone wasn't even there?!!

well its a family show so they cant show strippers. and Emily - well they're americans, what do they know?

We've just lost another 30 readers. That may be true... okay, who am I kidding, it is true, but I have to maintain a certain level of being nice to the readers. The american ones, that is. They might complain.

if they leave us now they'll beg us to forgive them later. next year I'm hosting the oscars show.

Really? Me too, then.

you cant, you'll still be in the spaceforce!

No I won't! I'll be 10 days out! And thank you so much for rubbing this in. It's no fair they let you out a year ahead of me just because you're technically a woman.


HUH! i'm a woman and anyone with two eyes in his head can see it (even one!). and to think i seriously thought to share the stage with you at the oscars!

And that's a reason to get a whole year of un-armied life more than me? Not to mention that you're likely to live longer than me anyway. Besides, right at this moment anyone who sees you is so shocked by your hair color that they don't bother to check if you're a girl or not.

anyway in the oscar you have to wear a dress with a cleavage right down to your bellybottom, so noone will be confused. and if they let beavis and butthead give an award, they have to let us too.

So, we should start gathering jokes right now?

no need, they'll see you and start to laugh.....

Nobody's going to laugh at me or I'm not going to do it. I object to the Hollywood institute anyway. It's the source of all evil.

so corny.

Yeah, well, that's movies. They have to be corny. and speaking of which, let's forget the Oscars and get to the bottom of the subject, okay?

which is?

Eh, movies, I think.

movies, in general? what's to say? we go to see a movie, what about it?

Well, you can start by describing a typical Going-out-to-see-a-movie but-its-not-quite-a-date.

if i have to... but that's not too interesting either.

      The ritual

We get in the car. Drive. Park the car. Eat. We go to a movie. Sit. Watch the audience. Laugh. Watch the first half of the movie. Buy some popcorn and coke (the drink). Watch the second half of the movie. Watch at the audience. Search for the car. Get in the car. Drive back, analyzing the movie.

And so it goes, a holy ceremony unchanged for countless centuries (well, more like a year). One might argue that the simpler way to see a movie would be to rent a video and sit at home, comfortably watching it; and we despise this One. Video is for the weak. Movies are the real thing; daring to go and brave packed parking lots, fat ticket-sellers who won't understand what movie you're talking about until you spell it to them, stupid teenagers who always sit in the row in front of you and talk aloud, stupid old types who always sit in the row behind you and talk louder, and horrible, horrible popcorn.

and all of this is if we remember to take the tickets....

What's this "we?" you are the one who forgot to take them after you paid for them!

so next time you will pay and you will remember (or not) to take them!

Oh, this is really low. We're arguing about who's paying now? What are we, dating or something?

i don't date people like you.

Redheads?

men.

I don't remember you getting many dates with the other kind, either.

well. it's getting personal now, eh?

      Some more general philosophy about movies







Movies are more trouble than they're worth. I mean the movie industry. The amount of talking about movies, people who make movies, people who don't make movies but would like to, TV shows about movies, the whole Oscar thing, "The making of" programs (I've recently seen The making of 'The making of "The making of Jurassic Park"'. It wasn't as good as the book.) And all that for two hours of flicking images? Too much. There's always video, as I've stated earlier. People go to movies just for the popcorn and so they'll have something to talk about. Except me & May, of course, who go to movies because we enjoy it immensely.

movies! the material dreams are made of.

Excuse me?! Do I sense a clicheness in the air?

Well, you said some corny stuff yourself, so why can't i? and besides, movies makes me mushy and you know it.

I guess you just have to use cliches on the subject, as painful as it is. But for your information, dreams are not made of movies. They're made of Neutrinoes.

but talking about movies is all the fun! you only go to a movie so you can blabber about it, look for goofs, laugh at the actors and all that. that's why you buy the popcorn; to make the two hours go faster.


And that's "The stuff dreams are made of"? Looks more like the stuff talk-shows are made of. the whole idea of "stars" was invented by movies so that people would have someone to look up to when god fails. 100 years ago, stars were something you might see in the sky, if they're not cloudy. And they were free, too.

Nothing's free nowadays.

Yeah, where are the old simple life?

the world aint what it used to be.

Today's youth. Eh.

we sound like we're going to die any minute.

We can't die today, the renewed Star Wars is coming out next week.

is there a punchline here?

No chance.