Dark.
That's how it is usually.
There are things moving in the darkness. Planets. Asteroids. Vegetables. Other things. Things you don't even want to think about. Some say they saw a gigantic turtle carrying three elephants on his back once, but those people cannot be trusted. There were four elephants. And sometimes, on incredibly rare occasions, something else would pass. Something that can immediately be recognized as something done by intelligent creatures by the utter and total stupidity of it.
Anyway, there you have it. A very big thing with a very stupid name (kinda like the rock singer MeatLoaf). A massive body of metal, attached on three sides to great D-shaped wings made of solaric receivers, and followed by a chain metallic elements called The Tail, each carrying a very long metallic cable called Eaving Line, attached to a smaller spaceship, and all this is rotating slowly. As someone who had frequently seen it from the inside as well as the outside, I can tell you, this is a very stupid-looking thing.
The ships that are attached to The Tail (when they're not keeping the israeli skies clear or chasing UFO's) look a little more normal. That is to say, they look a little bit more like what you'd squibble on a piece of paper if someone tells you to draw a spaceship. But they, too, have stupid names, which defines them as a product of civilization.
Usually.
- The Homecoming
But of course, every weekend has it's unlucky ones. The ones who have to stay and settle for the blackness of space for a Friday night's good time. And Saturday night's too. And believe me, there are very few things more depressing than watching as all the crewmembers get into their representative uniforms and start on their way toward the shuttle's base at the far side of StingRay, when I sit gloomily by my step son Nahoom's aquarium and try to take comfort at his conversation. Which didn't help. I was condemned to spend this weekend in space, and they don't even allow internet connection here.
Not that it's really that bad. Home or not, the weekend is always an opportunity to rest, and there's always books, Pussy, or even, god forbid, TV. And people, too. The idea behind leaving people behind on the ship is that we could handle things if they get out of control - if there's some kind of a serious malfunctions, say, or a fire. The chances of that happening are pretty small indeed, but it's pretty damn scary when it does happen (as I already wrote in one of the previous pages). So I can't say I'm staying here for no reason. But that's no reason to stop complaining.
We were the last ship to enter the SpaceBase itself to dispatch it's crew for the weekend. but we couldn't stay there, for all it's convenience. The SpaceBase can hold only three ships (two, if one of them is a Shark Six), and all the other ships have to stay chained to the Tail, without direct access to the base itself. But we didn't rush to get out of the base. I went out to buy myself a can of coke, and came back, mentally ready for another weekend in the loneliness of space.
But I wasn't ready to what waited for me there.
- Everything but a kitchen sink
"What is this? " I cried to nobody in particular at the mess in the kitchen.
"What?" said Cosmo who just stumbled in.
"It's been only five minutes, goddamnit! Did you do this?"
"No. I just came up from the" said Cosmo and fell. "Engine" he said as he got up.
"Then who did? I'm not going to do a shuzy here" I said, watching the practically devastated kitchen. The day when ISF soldiers will learn to use dishes the customary way will probably be the day when the mediterranean sea will get up, brush it's teeth and go to law school, but that was too much - there were torn bread bags on the table and pieces and crumbs of bread all over the floor, the freezer's door was half open, and from it pieces of uncooked meat were spluttered all over, and tomatoes that were - I don't want to talk about it.
"Is this the SOD's work? He was really fast this time, I must say. Mechanicians are beastes."
"I dunno. Is anyone still out or can we seal in?"
"Do we have to?"
"The Ernie is coming in" Cosmo said as he took a piece of yellow cheese out of the fridge, ignoring the mess around it.
"Damn! No, there was only me outside. you can seal us off. And I thought we might actually spend the weekend in here."
"Well, you already got your Coke supply." Cosmo said, digging two slices of bread that were still whole from the bag and putting the slice of cheese between them, thus forming the most ancient structure known to man, known as the Sandwich. Tommy came in and growled (the mechanic's way of saying hello) as he started digging the fridge, showing just as little attention to the mess around it as Cosmo.
"It's just one can. And I don't have any ruffles. Tommy, what the hell is this mess?"
"I didn't do it" growled Tommy.
"Then who did?"
"I dunno. Odin?"
"Probably. Those highranks only think of themselves. 'The corporals will clean it'. Well I won't! where is he?"
With his mouth full and dripping leftover salad, Tommy mentioned toward the nearby officer's cabins with his shoulders. "Odde phone."
"Okay. Speaking of which, say, Cosmo, is there a chance that I could have the phone sometime this weekend?"
"Not a very big one." cosmo was known to spend 98% of his waking free hours talking on the phone with his girlfriend back down on earth. He was watching the microwave doing obscene things to the molecules of his sandwich, thus creating the most unstable construct known to man, known as a Microwaved Cheese Sandwich.
"Well, can you make an effort? It won't take long, just a couple of minutes. I don't have anyone to talk to as long as you."
"No girlfriend huh?" the stupidman said.
"What about that Winnie-the-Pooh girl?" Cosmo asked while falling to the floor with no apparent reason.
"You mean May. She's not my girlfriend."
"So what is she?"
"Just my friend."
"So you're just laying her?" Tommy grinned.
"Yeah Tommy, right. Fuck off."
Cosmo got his steaming liquid sandwich out of the Microwave. "I'm going to seal us and send us away. Did you see Benj?"
"Nope. Why?"
"He didn't get out, did he?"
"Benj? Get out? Why?"
"I don't know, I just don't want to lock him outside, okay?" Cosmo fell through the door, got back up and started down the hallway.
"And shut the doors when you leave a room, will you!" I called after him.
- Writer's Blocks
You've got to seal the ship before sending it back down the Tail and to one of it's wires. But that's not something we like to do. While the ship was doing it - quite by itself - I went up to combat center to work on Pussy. Does that needs explanation? Okay, guess so. The ship's main computer, the one that's in charge of the combat information, system maintenance, information transmissions and, of course, Tetris, is called, for a reason unknown to this Fish, Pussy. I deal with it much in everyday life - In spacetrips I sometimes spend up to sixteen hours in a row at it, no kidding - but this had nothing to do with work. In the computer's free space I installed a good old fashioned Word 6.0, and I was going to spend some time this afternoon writing The Red Fish Page - this page - instead of staring at walls. Pussy has the computing power to make my Alfred look like an electric diary, but she has no sense of humor whatsoever. Probably comes from spending too much time in the army. I sat at the bridge, turned on one of Pussy's many faces, and started at writing the new Page, vaguely aware of the feeling of movement as the ship left the spacebase and journeyed, controlled on remote by some unseen StingRay technician, down the tail and along the Eavingline.
I didn't understand why the other crewmembers were smiling wickedly and winking every time I went to spend some time with Pussy, until I discovered that someone else used that free space to store, among other junk, a computerized strip-poker game. Not that I'd ever think of wasting my precious time at it, of couse; and besides, those damn blondes always cheat. So, just to show everyone that I was not looking for anything that has anything to do with hormones, I kept the screen wide open for everyone to see, which turned out to be a bad idea.
"What's that you're writing? a story?" said a booming voice behind my back.
I turned around to face Tommy, Stupidman on duty, with his stupid ear protectors on his head. "Yeah, something like that..." I tried to get away with it as fast as possible.
"What about?"
"It's a web page."
"Wassdat?"
"Web page. You know, World Wide Web?"
"Wassdat?"
My concentration was broken. "World Wide Web, you know? Netscape? Internet?"
"Ah, Internet" he said, finally conceiving something. "You know, everybody in Internet is lying about who they are."
"I know" I said miserably. I always like to get feedback on my work, but not from stupidmen.
"In it for the porn pics?"
"Not really."
"The paper said there's a place with pictures of Pamela Anderson."
"I'd love to see that" I said desperately.
"Internet is cool, huh?" he said approvingly.
"Yeah" I said.
"Well, seeya around" he said while giving me a friendly, yet painful, strike on my back.
That ended faster than I expected. I was trying to get back to work when a Frrr sounded. I lifted the Frrrer with a sigh. "Bridge" I said.
"Who is this?" said the voice on the far side.
"Alexander the great." I answered.
"Fish?"
"Yeah, Caterpillar, what do you want?"
"Odin wants us all in the kitchen right now."
""I knew it!" I shouted into the frrrer as I put it back in place. I knew the giant needed large quantities of food,but he could at least clean after himself. I galloped down there. By now we must have been already attached to the Eavingline and slowly orbiting the Tail, because the artificial gravity was working properly.
- The usual suspects
"I'm not cleaning it up!" I shouted as I burst into the still-filthy kitchen. "If stupidmen can't clean after themselves then they shouldn't eat!"
"Relax" said Odin who was already in the kitchen, along with all the rest of the weekend crew, except Benj. "And shut the door behind you."
"I'm sorry, but I want to rest. Whoever made this mess should clean it" I said to Odin. "I didn't eat here."
"I didn't eat here either." said the officer.
"Ah. Who was it, then?"
"I just made me a sandwich" said Cosmo.
"I didn't eat anything" said Caterpillar.
"Oh that's just great. So somebody is lying. All the suspects are gathered in the dining room, I hope everybody's got their alibis ready. I wish that only one time - "
"Shut up, Fish" Said Odin.
"Yes, sir."
"If it wasn't any of us it was Benj, and he will clean it up. I just wanted to give you guys a briefing before I go to sleep, okay?"
"Great. A briefing. We're not attacking any enemy bases this weekend, are we?"
"No" said Odin.
"Then what do we need a briefing for? You're gonna tell us what TV shows to watch? What kind of socks to - "
"Shut up, Fish" said Cosmo and fell.
"Fine. Come on, let's get it over with. What are we waiting for?"
"Benj."
"Well where is he?"
"I don't know. I thought he was with you."
"No. Did you check the deck?"
"Sure. I frrred everywhere. Are you sure he's on board?"
"You think we might have left him on the Base? That's bad. That's alot of mess and I don't want o get into this. Who gave you permission to seal us off?"
"I never ask anyone permission to seal us off."
"Well as long as I'm the highest rank officer around here, you're not doing anything without my permission, understood?"
We all laughed at that. And then I said, "You're probably overreacting. I never saw him go off the ship. Did you frrr everywhere?"
"Yup."
"So he's probably just sleeping somewhere" I said. "Ask Pussy how many of us are there."
"Good idea" Odin said, and tapped the little ISF pin on his chest. "Computer!" he said.
We all stared at him. Then we went to the briefing room nearby, where I turned another one of Pussy's screens on and requested an organism count. That's another stupid thing spaceships are required to have; they have to be sure at all times, they say, that nobody was sucked out into space or something, so the heat sensors in each rooms are capable of recognizing body heating and thus telling how many living organisms are at any present moment on board. The "people meter" went quickly from 0 to 5, 6, and then to 7.
"Wait a minute" Cosmo said. "There are only five of us here."
"And benj, somewhere" I said. "That's six."
"Okay, so who's the seventh one?"
We all gaped at each other in silence for a minute for no particular reason, just for the tension of the moment.
"Pussy's fucked?" offered Tommy.
"Yeah Tommy, Right. We didn't forget anyone on the ship, did we?"
"You think someone forgot to go home?" said Cosmo.
"Try Spearcatch then" I said. What was for Benj to do in Spearcatch chamber?
Odin Frrred again, and this time he's been answered. "Benj? Hye - why didn't you answer when we frrred earlier? Aha. Well keep working on it later, right now get your ass down to the kitchen. And your'e not working on anything until you clean up the mess you made in the kitchen. What? Well who did? Not now. Just get down here. No. Briefing. No, everyone is here except you. Just do it, okay? Thanks very much." He hung the frrrer back on its hook. "He says he didn't even enter the kitchen."
"Great. Someone will have to clean it."
"Ask the Seventh Guest to do it."
Through the briefing room's door we could still see the devastated kitchen. Caterpillar was looking at it thoughtfully. "Say," he began to say, slowly, "You don't think... It could be... one of them, do you?"
There was another one of those silent atmospheric moments.
"If it was, then I don't think you can make it clean up after itself" I said.
Caterpillar laughed. I love this guy. he always laugh at my jokes, no matter how bad they are. Then the Frrrer frrred. "O great, what now? The dog ate his bicycle?" complained Odin, but he didn't pick it up. Neither did any of the others. It was now frrring like a turkey out of hell, and it was getting annoying. I broke up first. I picked it up. "Yeah Benj, what?" I said.
"IT'S AFTER ME!!!" said Benj's voice from the other side.
"What?" I tried to say.
"IT SAW ME FISH IT SAW ME AND IT'S AFTER ME AND IT'S A BIG ONE" said Benj's panicked voice.
"What - Where are you -"
"CALL THE PATROL I'M STUCK HERE AND IT'S AFTER ME CALL ANYONE AND -" suddenly he stopped.
"Did you calm down?" I asked.
Then came Benj's voice again through the frrrer, "O GOD IT'S HERE FISH IT CAME IN IT'S" then the frrrer fell silent.
I put the frrrer back on the hook. "It's one of them" I said.
This time it was more than atmospheric silence. I'd gladly describe the expression of horror that slowly unfolded on the crewmember's faces, but I don't have enough webspace. The silence was only broken by the sound of Cosmo falling to the floor.
"Now we're in trouble" said Tommy. Boy did the stupidman know how to spoil drama.
- Enemy within
"Did it get him?" asked Odin.
I turned back to the screen, afraid of what I'd find there. "No" I said, a little relieved. "See - he's here, in the back storing chamber. He frrred from the spearcatch chamber, so he probably saw it come in and made it to the back storing, and closed the door."
"Where's it?" Asked Odin, bending on the screen next to me.
"In the Spearcatch. Right by the door."
"The back storing chamber... It's a dead end. There's no exit from there."
"Right. He's trapped. But at least he's safe."
"What about us?"
"Ugh, we're alright, aren't we? I mean if it can't open the doors than it can't get here."
"Are they all closed?"
"Who was in the engine last?"
We all turned to look at Cosmo.
"Did you shut the doors?" Odin asked him.
"Ugh... I think so."
"What do you mean you think? Did you close them or didn't you?"
"I think I did."
"There's no such thing as you think, either you did or you didn't!"
"Then I did."
"Are you sure?"
"No."
"Then you left them open."
I'd gladly describe the expression of horror, but I don't have the space... did I write that already? Well it happened again. Well, even if I did have the webspace you probably wouldn't want to read it twice, so I think I'd have used the remaining space to store pictures of Alicia Silverstone. That's how it is - in tense situations I tend to think very unhelpful thoughts.
"We've got to get help" said Caterpillar.
"We've got to get it sealed first. Now."
"I'll go and shut it" said Cosmo.
"Don't be ridiculous. Caterpillar, you -"
"It's my fault. I should go" Cosmo insisted.
"Cosmo, we don't have much time! You're not going!" said Odin.
"Why not?"
"Well, because you -"
Cosmo fell to the ground.
"Exactly. Caterpillar?"
"I'll shut it" said Caterpillar.
"Be careful" said Odin.
"Okay" said Caterpillar, and left.
"And we're waiting for you right here" I called after him.
"That was a very stupid excuse for a link" said the voice of divine watching.
"Shut up" I said.
