Try to count the number of machines that you turn on as you get home from somewhere. I know people who, as they get home, turn on, one after the other, the light, the alarm, the TV, the water heater, the air conditioning, the Microwave and their boyfriend. As for me, I'm modest. When I get into my room, all I do is turn on the light, the fan (summer, you know), my computer, Alfred, and my cat, Kawaii. Then I sometimes put some music on. Anyway I do expect a certain level of obedience from my machines. When I turn on the computer I expect a healthy hum, followed by a satisfying Beep and the Windows95 logo. But when I came home after a tiring and surprisingly exciting week in the ISF and pushed old Alfred's button, he made his short hum, and than said without hesitation: "Baaah."
486 ways to die
Now that's something I can't accept. I can accept a brrrrrrr from a computer, a ping!, a beep, even an occasional clklklklk, but not a Baaah. I gave Alfred a severe look, urging it to change it's ways, but he just gave me another Baaah. And another. Then he took a few second's break, and then made another sequence of three Baahs. Then he started it all again.
I was still in my uniform, and I was dying for a bath and quite hungry, but that doesn't mean I was willing to give up to a computer. I hit Reset. Alfred took a longer break this time, seemed to swallow, and then started the Baaah - Baaah - Baaah - Break routine all over again. I turned the damn thing off, murmuring "I'll be back" in a lame imitation of a german accent, and went off to the bath. For a few minutes I tried to get used to the idea that my computer was actually off when I was in the house. It made me feel strange. Vulnerable, you might say. Naked. But then maybe that was because I was in the shower.
Alfred responded immediately, with a "Baaah Baaah Baaah". I was so relieved I forgot to be angry at him. I also finally realized what all those Baaah's were about: "Baaah Baaah Baaah" was just the closest thing to "Ha Ha Ha" Alfred could produce. That son of a battery was laughing at me! The whole Hare Krishna thing was just a practical joke. I joined Alfred's laughter and gave him a pat on his hypothetic shoulder. Then hinted that it was enough joking and time to go to work, and hit reset again. But he just kept laughing. Now it's not that I can't get a joke, and I think that computers have the right to develop their sense of humor, the moon being a Harsh Mistress and all, but I don't like being laughed at. I left alfred to his laughing and went looking for food and family.
I opened the refrigerator generally, but there was nothing interesting in it. I looked at the newspaper, but there were no news about the life on Mars, and nothing truly revealing about life on this planet either. I gave my pets a big hello, but they refused to be excited to see me safe and sound again - Poly, my dog, just asked if I brought him something to eat, and Kawaii just ignored me. Siamese. They're worse than Women. There were two notes for me on the table: one was from my parents, saying they were both away (Dad was out dancing his butt off at some disco, and Mom was at the Witches' course) and all my brothers were also attending their business elsewhere, but they had left me some pizza in the fridge. I thanked the lord for having such a loving, caring family. The other note was from the pizza - it was a kind of a "Dear John" thing, saying that it ran off to start a new life somewhere in Arizona with some hotdog it had met the day before. There was no escape: It was either going back to Alfred or turning on the TV.
The Alfredian Rebellion
I stepped back into my room as hungry as I was, and turned Alfred off and back on without a word. Surprisingly, it was through laughing, and gave me the Windows95 routine. I thanked God again, then remembered that I don't believe in God and unthanked him, then settled down to work. Actually, I usually only use Alfred to connect to my favorite machine, that also happens to be the biggest machine in the world - I 'm talking about the Net, of course. But this time I had stuff to do - I had to write the new Red Fish Page, now that I had the idea. Switching to MSDOSish, I started off by deleting the old page (I don't believe in living in the past) and while I was at it, deleting some other stuff that was gathering dust on my hard disk. It went like this: I tell Alfred something like, delete peanuts.htm and he replies, 1 file deleted. It went okay, until I got to some pictures of Alicia Silverstone that I downloaded on some lonely night. I said to Alfred,
delete alicia1.gif.
Alfred thought about this for a moment, then replied,
no.
I knew Alfred has a thing for Alicia, but I didn't think he'd go to extremes. Usually, a little persistence is all that you need. delete alicia1.gif, I repeated.
I don't want to, Alfred replied.
Just what was that computer doing with my pictures when I was away? delete alicia1.gif, damn it! I ordered.
why? he said.
I sank into desperation. It's not only that computers are not supposed to be able to ask why; As far as I know, asking why is the main thing that computers aren't supposed to be able to do. That's what makes them computers. As I pondered the situation, the phone rang. It was May. She was all excited - she said she had lost her hymen or something. Big deal. She probably just forgot where she had put it, like always happens to me. I told her I had some important business to attend to, and we agreed to meet for a movie later. I didn't even bother to check the dictionary for what "Hymen" means.
I got back to Alfred.
Showdown
delete alicia1.gif, I told him.
No chance, he replied.
How do you deal with such a situation?
delete it, please, I said.
give me one good reason, he replied.
if you dont do it I will break your mother board's face, I remarked.
o yeah? He wrote.
You don't have the guts, he said.
I don't, do I? I thought about buying myself a Pentium anyway, you know. Psychological warfare.
You wouldn't Alfred said, but his lines trembled a little.
Of course I would. They're really cheap now.
You wouldn't!!!
I never heard of a Pentium not doing what he's told.
Alfred was silent for a minute. I like this picture, he said finally.
It's not just this picture. It's these practical jokes, and you had some fight with the cdrom, and you've been giving me altitude and I don't like it!
Attitude, he said.
And NEVER correct my spelling! I shouted.
I'm sorry, he said.
Then delete alicia1.gif, I said.
It was mean to me
who was? I asked, perplexed.
cdrom, he said. he was giving me so much work and playing all this noisy thing.
Don't you like Garbage? I asked.
No. he said. Then he started crying. I like Nine Inch Nails...
I pitied him, so I decided to end this whole scene -and this page is getting a little too long, too. Okay, you can keep ONE picture. And I promise to put on Garbage a little less. And you're not giving me any more trouble, understood?
Alfred thought for a minute.
Bad command or file name, he said finally.
Hello? Alfred?
Bad command or file name
delete alicia2.gif, I said.
1 file deleted, he replied.
And so another crisis was solved and a truce was achieved. Alfred didn't give me any more trouble that day, but I was still afraid to turn it off, so he won't start laughing again, so I just left it on, letting the little pink elephants hop themselves silly on the screen. The rest of the weekend passed normally: I wrote the new Page, uploaded it to GeoCities, read the feedback I got for my previous page, slept a lot, went to a movie with May (We couldn't find any bad movies, so we went to a good one - Hunchback of Notredamme, if you really must know), and she just got mad at me when I asked her if she had found her What'sIt'sCalled. Women. They're worse than siamese.
I only turned Alfred off when I left back to my ship on Sunday morning. Seeya later, I typed.
Take care, he said.
Cute guy. I clicked "Start", then "Shut down", and waited. The message on the screen said "It is now safe to turn off your computer", but I ducked anyway.
